Oh family dinner. The benefits are numerous.
Health benefits of course. Kids who eat dinner with their families are 15% less likely to be obese.
They are also more likely to eat more fruits and vegetables.
There are also many social, academic and emotional benefits. Children who eat family dinner tend to do better in school, are less likely to engage in risky behaviors and are better behaved than those who do not.
But, let’s be honest. family dinners are stressful! There’s all of the planning, shopping and cooking.
And then there’s the complaining, the arguing and the spilling.
Not to mention the clean up! Sometimes, it all just feels like too much.
Here are three simple ways that you can change your mindset and start actually enjoying dinner with the family.
First, Let Go of "Perfect"
Comparison is the thief of joy, so in order to have an enjoyable meal with our families, we need to focus on OUR FAMILIES. That means not comparing our family meal to ones we’ve seen on TV, ones we imagine our friends having, or even ones that we’ve attended ourselves.
This life is all about efficiency, speed and the perfect Instagram pic. But the really important lessons are about being your messy self. So, embrace the imperfect. Take 10 minutes to slice something that could be done in two. Measure and pour your ingredients and for just a minute, pretend you didn’t see half of it end up on the counter. Sit together around the semi-set table, with half-dressed toddlers and ignore all the crumbs on the floor.
It’s a lot easier to get your kids involved in cooking and in meal prep if we don’t mind the outcome being less than perfect.
It’s about being present in the moment, instead of desperately wishing the moment looked different.
And of course, there’s always the magical time after bedtime. When the kids are finally out of the kitchen and you can put everything back in just the right way. At least until breakfast.
Next, Remember your "Why"
Eating dinner together is challenging. First, there is the planning and scheduling to make sure that everyone is home. Second, it can be stressful!
Oprah conducted an experiment in which 5 families ate dinner together every night for one month. For the first week the parents said that it was unpleasant and stressful. That is understandable to many of us who are tired at the end of a long day. But, after the first few nights of unpleasantness, the families began to look forward to eating dinner together.
Interestingly enough, the main reason that families began to enjoy eating together had nothing to do with the meal, and everything to do with the company.
So, How Can You Enjoy Time with the Family?
Remember, regular family meal doesn’t mean nightly dinner.
Even if you start off eating dinner once a week, that’s a great way to begin introducing your kids to table manners, offer new foods and connect. And dinner shouldn’t be restricted to the evening meal. It could be a weekend breakfast, a weekday snack, or lunch. As long as it’s convenient for the family, then it counts.
It’s not about the Food.
The conversation at the dinner table should not revolve around the food. If you find yourself constantly talking about what’s on the table, how good (or not good) it is, how much everyone is eating, then change the subject. Remember, healthy eating attitudes mean allowing everyone to make their own food decisions.
Turn your devices OFF!
It’s true. We live in a highly connected world where we are always on. Dinner is the time to turn it off. That means no TV, no phones at the table, no checking email or texts. Kids learn from example, so when the adults at the table are present and engaged, the kids will be also.
Different things work for different families. Check out some of the best advice we’ve gotten from real parents.
Finally, Focus Only on the Things that Matter
So basically, the food is secondary when it comes to family dinners. This isn’t the time to start bothering your child to take “one more bite” or remind everyone that you slaved over a hot stove for them.
Here’s a quick guide for connecting with our families over dinner:
DO:
Ask questions.
This can be as simple as the classic “how was your day?” Although sometimes that doesn’t really get the conversation ball rolling, it can be a great way to break the ice. Variations of that question can be “what is the funniest/craziest/silliest thing that happened to you today?” If you are really in a bind for a good question, there are cards available on Amazon to help guide your conversation.
Share a Story.
Just because the kids are at the table, doesn’t mean that the conversation needs to revolve around them. It’s great for you to share a story from your day, something funny or strange that happened to you. Not only does this allow your children to see you in a role other than parent, but it lets them know that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Report on the News.
This can be family news, work news or even national news. News stories help kids get a sense of things that are going on outside of their immediate universe and can help them gain a better understanding of how society works. It also helps your family get in the habit of being aware of what’s going on both in the family and in the world at large.
Follow Their Lead.
Kids sometimes have important stories that they just can’t wait to share with you. If your child is eager and excited to chat with you at the table, then go ahead and let them have the floor. If they are content to eat in silence, then you can catch up with other people at the table. You child learns a lot about social skills just by watching and listening to you.
DON'T:
Tell Secrets.
As the saying goes, little pitchers have big ears. Don’t say anything around your kids that you don’t want shared with the entire playground, playgroup, preschool or checkout line at Target. If you don’t want the info repeated, then it’s best told when the kids aren’t around.
Talk About the Meal.
Yes, it can be tempting to keep reminding your kids of how healthy milk is, but no one likes their dinner served with a side of guilt. Also avoid making a big deal about what you yourself are eating. Other than a thank you to the people responsible for the meal, there is no need to nag or guilt anyone into eating.
Argue.
Even if your kids are driving you nuts, take a break from it at dinner. Avoid bringing up prior misbehavior, complaining to your spouse about the kids or commenting on all the work you still have to finish. The dinner table should not be a battleground, so keep comments to positive or neutral in order to keep the peace at the table.
Focus Exclusively on the Kids.
The beauty of family dinners is that the whole family is present. So if your kids get into a side conversation with each other, you don’t need to butt in. Take that opportunity to catch up with some of the other adults present. If the kids are getting into a fight and create an unpleasant dinner atmosphere, then do step in and redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic. It’s up to you to maintain the tone for dinner time, so set the expectation for how the family talks to one another during mealtime.
To create an enjoyable family meal, we simply need to figure out what that looks like for ourselves. Is it eating pizza together at the park or a four course dinner at a steakhouse? Is it make your own taco night or pancakes for dinner?
When it comes to family meals, who we’re eating with is really the most important part.
